would you survive my mom?

would you survive my mom

  • Question of

    it’s 7am. she’s already cleaned the kitchen, made tea, and has Opinions. she says: “good morning. did you sleep well? did you eat? why do you look like that? go wash your face.” what do you do?

    • “good morning!” you sit down and ask if there’s anything you can help with
    • grunt, make coffee, avoid eye contact until further notice
    • “morning” and then escape before the follow-up questions start
    • just sit down and let her feed you. you understand how this works.
  • Question of

    she walks into your room. she sees it. she stands there. “i don’t understand how you can live like this. were you raised in a barn? i’m not your maid.” what do you say?

    • “you’re right, i’ll clean it right now” and then you actually do it
    • “i know where everything is” you do not
    • “i was going to clean it today, i promise”
    • apologize, look ashamed, start cleaning, ask if she wants tea
  • Question of

    she cooked for two hours. it is a dish you genuinely do not like. she says: “come eat. why aren’t you eating? is something wrong with it?” what do you do?

    • eat all of it. compliment it. ask for seconds. this is the only path.
    • eat some, say you’re full, leave before she notices
    • “i’m actually not that hungry right now” you have made a fatal error
    • eat it while visibly suffering but saying “it’s so good” the whole time
  • Question of

    she called you three times. you missed all of them. you are now standing in front of her. “THREE times. i thought you were dead. why is your phone on silent? who are you hiding from?” what do you say?

    • “i’m so sorry, my phone was on silent, i should have checked” full accountability
    • “i was literally in the shower for 10 minutes”
    • “i was busy” you were on your phone doing nothing
    • you called her back before she found you in person. damage control.
  • Question of

    you said you’d be home by 10. it is 11:47pm. the light inside is on. she is waiting. you open the door and she’s just standing there. what’s your move?

    • full apology, no excuses, you take the L, you ask if she needs anything
    • “it’s not even midnight, mom” you will not survive this night
    • “i texted you” you did not text her
    • “i’m so sorry, i lost track of time, i should have called” and then hug her
  • Question of

    you left your dishes in the sink. second time today. she found them. “you left your dishes again. just put them in the dishwasher. it’s right there. it’s not hard.” your response?

    • “i’ll do them right now” and you do them immediately, no hesitation
    • “i was going to do them after” after what exactly
    • you sigh. audibly. this is a death wish.
    • you do the dishes AND wipe the counter down without being asked
  • Question of

    she mentions, casually, while doing other things: “your cousin got straight A’s. all A’s. just so you know.” she’s not even looking at you. what do you do?

    • “that’s great for them!” smile. move on. survive.
    • “good for them i guess” she heard the tone. she always hears the tone.
    • say nothing and quietly leave the room. sometimes this is wisdom.
    • defend your own grades. explain yourself. engage. rookie mistake.
  • Question of

    “can you go to the store for me? just a few things.” it is not a few things. the list has 14 items and two that aren’t written down but that she clearly also needs. do you go?

    • yes. you go. you get everything. you don’t complain.
    • “can it wait?” it cannot wait. it never can.
    • you go but text her from the store about every single item
    • you go, get most of it, pretend you couldn’t find the rest
  • Question of

    you want to go out with friends. she has questions. where exactly. who’s going. do you know their parents. what time. is it safe. take a jacket. did you eat. when did you last call your grandmother. how do you handle this?

    • you answer every single question patiently and wait for more
    • “mom, i’ll be fine, i’ll be back later” this conversation is far from over
    • you answer the questions and take the jacket even though it’s warm outside
    • vague answers, hopeful energy. you’ll be home by 8. you’re always home by 8 now.
  • Question of

    she doesn’t say anything. she just looks at you. it’s a look that contains everything the years, the love, the sacrifice, the mild ongoing disappointment, the hope. you know this look. what do you do?

    • “do you want tea?” you understand exactly what this moment is.
    • “what?” you don’t get it. you’ve never gotten it.
    • you just hug her. no words needed.
    • you nervously explain everything you’ve been doing all day

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