How Beautiful Are You (Scientifically)

welcome to my extremely real laboratory where i will be measuring your beauty using hard science, fake math, personal bias, and whatever horrible instinct guides me. this quiz is basically peer-reviewed if you don’t think about it too hard

  • Question of

    first of all, what kind of beauty do you think you have?

    • soft and gentle
    • weirdly striking
    • cute in a dangerous way
    • elegant, obviously
    • i genuinely cannot tell
    • depends on the lighting and my will to live
  • Question of

    choose a scientifically attractive object

    • the moon
    • a knife
    • a velvet ribbon
    • a foggy mirror
    • a cherry
    • one earring left on the floor
  • Question of

    what happens when you take a selfie

    • i look fine and move on like a sane person
    • i take 74 and pick 2
    • somehow i look both incredible and cursed
    • i stare at my own face like i’m solving a case
    • i either look godly or tragic. there is no middle
    • the front camera is a crime against beauty
  • Question of

    which facial feature has the strongest energy

    • eyes
    • lips
    • eyebrows
    • cheekbones
    • smile
    • bone structure i cannot explain
  • Question of

    pick a beauty standard to reject dramatically

    • symmetry
    • clear skin obsession
    • “natural but effortless”
    • the idea that only one type of face is pretty
    • having to look friendly at all times
    • all of them. i am free
  • Question of

    what kind of compliment hits hardest

    • “you’re so pretty”
    • “you look unreal”
    • “your face is literally insane”
    • “you’re glowing”
    • “you have such a specific look”
    • silent staring from across the room
  • Question of

    if beauty was measured like a school subject, what would be your strongest category?

    • overall visual harmony
    • charm and expression
    • magnetic eye contact
    • aesthetic presence
    • accidental life-ruining effect
    • confusing but unforgettable face card
  • Question of

    choose a highly scientific beauty test

    • how many strangers have looked twice
    • how good i look when i’m half asleep
    • whether old women love me
    • whether little kids stare at me
    • whether i can pull off ugly sunglasses
    • whether i still look good in bad fluorescent lighting
  • Question of

    what kind of beauty are you most jealous of

    • effortless pretty
    • hot in a dramatic way
    • cute in a lovable way
    • ethereal and untouchable
    • sharp editorial face
    • none. envy is for civilians

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